The never-ending battle with my body image.

Since I was young, I was never “skinny.” As I think back to elementary school gym class, I remember the embarrassment I felt whenever we were tested on pull-ups or mile runs. Out of the 25-30 students, I was one of the very few who could never pull herself up, one of the last to finish the mile runs and got frustrated when I couldn’t get myself past 3 bars as I was playing on the monkey bars. While I felt embarrassed, what was amazing about elementary school was that my peers, the people I called friends, never really noticed my lack of physical abilities nor mentioned that I was a little chubbier than the average 9 year old. Those certainly were the days. Flash forward to middle school – the complete opposite. As I began to grow into my “tween” years, it was more noticeable, at least to me, that I was bigger than the other girls. Though it wasn’t often, I had moments where I was called “fat” or “big.” It was then that I procured body image issues and lacked self-esteem. High school was a little different. I never was made fun of for my weight, but I think the mean things kids said to me in middle school really took a toll on me. High school is a place where you make a few of the best memories in your life. It’s also a place where cliques are the norm. With that said, I never really considered my circle of friends as a clique, because aside from our small group of 5, we also had friends outside of our circle. Nevertheless, image was a dominate aspect to think about in high school. And as I mentioned before, as much as I tried to dress up or no matter how confident I seemed, inside I was feeling so out of place because of my weight.

Finally, during my first 2nd year of college, I began to make slight changes to my diet and I started to become active. What’s intriguing was that I never made those changes with the intention of loosing weight. I simply wanted to just be more active and monitor my eating habits. I remember just getting on a scale and reading 192 pounds. After that, I weighed myself every week, and I saw gradual changes. My smallest weight was at 158 pounds. I went from a size 16 to a size 8/10. Below is a photo of my results – I apologize the “after” photo isn’t a very good one. To the right was during my brother’s wedding in the Summer of 2009, and to the left is of me trying on my bridesmaid dress a few months later. What’s amazing is that I never realized the amount of actual inches I lost, and muscles I gained, until after I put the dress on again (I was cleaning out my closet). I remember just being so… HAPPY.



That was 5 years ago. Within the past 5 years, I’ve gained a majority of my weight back – currently at 183 at 5’5. How in the world did I let this happen? I’m a college student with a part-time job, and many people say that’s probably the cause of my weight gain. But let’s just be real here. I lost weight from being LAZY and CARELESS. I didn’t care what went in my mouth and as a result, gained weight. While I still worked out (not as much as before), I kept eating crap and getting on a “diet” every other week, and I constantly wondered why the scale wouldn’t go down anymore. Now I experienced first hand what people mean when they say that inches are lost in the kitchen. I got too obsessed with the scale – around 2013, I would get on the scale almost everyday and hated that I was not longer loosing weight. Bad, BAD idea.

Today, as I finished my last final exam of this school quarter, I had a few hours to myself just to relax. I was browsing through old photos and stumbled at the one posted above. Seeing photos like this; photos of my before and afters, just opened up this entirely new sense of motivation for me. I need to get back into routine. I need to stop treating my this as a “diet” but a ROUTINE. Yes, I hate using that whole, “lifestyle change” statement lol I know starting a new “routine” is pretty much a lifestyle change, but hey, mentally, I find that word better suited for me. This is all mental, isn’t it ;)? Anyway, enough of my blabbering. What’s my plan for this new “routine?” Seeking help from an old friend who knows a thing or two about fitness (I’m all about cardio and I know I need to stop that lol) and researching food options! Every week, I’ll post my results. But because it’s the middle of the week already, I won’t post my first “week” of results/updates until next Monday, March 30th.

Have a great day and remember to be kind to everyone :)!




About crystelc1ear

I'm a Seattle native who enjoys looking at the brighter side of things. Once a person who dwells in the past, I now use my past experiences, both good and bad, to write some pretty interesting stories. Well, for myself that is. Recently, I've travelled to places that have encouraged me to be more open-minded. I'm a foodie and I like the idea of savoring foods as much as savoring every moment in life. Okay, I'm getting too philosophical ;)
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3 Responses to The never-ending battle with my body image.

  1. vivibug says:

    I think it takes a great amount of courage to open up and share your story; I relate to so many emotions you were describing that you felt in elementary school and high school. I have a similar story of being overweight during those years. We’re all in this healthy journey together and I think you’re making some great steps forward 🙂

  2. Pingback: I need to stop relying on the scale. | CrystelC1ear

  3. crystelc1ear says:

    Thanks for your kind words :)! I always kept my thoughts and feelings about my body to myself. But now, I feel this urge to just share my store. I’m happy to hear that I’m not the only one whose struggled/struggling through this. I’m excited to read some of your posts!

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